I am still a work in progress and always will be, which is a concept I used to find daunting. It took me a long time to accept that I will never be perfect, that life will always be waiting to throw me a curve ball. You will lose jobs; people will let you down, people will intentionally or accidentally break your heart. On a random Tuesday, you will receive a call letting you know someone you love has terminal cancer. For a moment, you’ll consider missing a meal or harming yourself to reel that unattainable control back in, because then you get to check out again. But control is an illusion and checking out is not an option. Regardless of how painful life can be, it is fleeting and often fixable. Engaging in my eating disorder won’t protect me from being hurt, it will only delay and exacerbate the pain I am trying to avoid. I had to learn to face those uncomfortable, unfair, unflinching moments in life without the cloak of my anorexia and bulimia and carry on anyway. Illness compounds pain, it does not resolve or avoid it.

Letting go is to love yourself enough to look at the past with a different perspective. It is to accept that you can’t change the past, but that you can change whether your perspective poisons or nourishes you.